I guess a person or two wants to know what I’m up to around 11 pm. Truthfully, it’s not much, but it’s enough to raise a few eyebrows from the common morning people. I spend most of my late nights blasting heavy music and wondering if my parents can hear it from upstairs. My folks are the type of people that can’t hear loud speakers wailing from the next room, but complain when they wake up to the sound of me showering at 3 am. I’m often scolded for staying up too late. While my schedule isn’t ideal, I don’t have any motivations to change it. From the hours of 6 to 10 am my brain is like a thick smog, regardless of the hours of sleep I had prior. Overall, I’m content with my cycle, and hope things stay as they are for the time being. Whenever the hour of 11 pm comes to mind, my senses are in a conflict between the night starting and ending. I have at least a few more hours to stay awake, but feel my mental gears turning again. At this point my mind can go to three places; writing, listening, or thinking. Lately it’s been mostly the third one. The second one will often merge.
As strange as some may find it, I find spacing out to be more entertaining than most things. If I were to guess what activity I spend the most time with, it would be daydreaming. For better or for worse, this is the truth. It has been the truth for a long time and may remain the truth for the rest of my life. If I find a thing that intrigues me, I can remain fixated on that thing for months at a time. This thing is usually a person or character that I imagine in endless alternate universes and timelines. While I could spend my time watching TV, often there’s nothing better to do than put on some music and entertain myself with my personal interdimensional cable. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the desire to dream in my day-to-day life and the quiet hours of night are one of the few ways to compensate for that. Despite it being mildly distracting at best, the TV rarely ever turns off. It rather plays in the background while I do other things for the majority of the time I spend awake. I never really bother writing any of it down, as most of what shows up on the screen is unsalvageable nonsense. Like a bad cop show, I usually forget it after a while. The shows serve one purpose and that is to entertain myself and nothing else. I always thought it would go away as an adult, but the program kept chugging along.
This is what I spend my time doing at 11 pm. Whether I’m running, walking, sitting, or eating, that show keeps rolling on. It may roll on forever and I’m fine with it staying that way. I would spend time being worried, anxious, or scared, but instead I spend it dreaming. Seeing an experience through a dream is an almost meditative thing. Regardless of the emotional subject matter you’re still watching it from a distance. It’s like watching a performance of a play and being able to rewind and analyze the situation from endless angles. Many times I come to the same conclusions, but once in a full moon my initial perceptions are subverted. Sometimes I find that the simulations I play in my head aren’t far off from the real experience. My 11 pm may be boring for most, but for me it’s all right. There’s nothing better than rewinding in front of your computer and being blissfully lost for a while.