Cows by Matthew Stokoe: My Thoughts
Weird fiction is a genre often overlooked or ignored by the general populace. Cows is an exception to this rule. While still unknown by much of the reading community online, it has garnered a decent amount of attention to the extra curious reader. I’ve seen a solid number of YouTube channels review it either outright dismissing it as shock content or loving it for the same reasons. The book became a sort of dare to read and tell your audience about. Many who read it were often inexperienced in the world that is weird fiction. That’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes, an otherwise obscure book brought to much attention through morbid curiosity. Having read cows, I can understand how it garners attention equivalent to a giant tent worm nest attached on the backyard apple tree. It’s crude, bizarre, gross, and yes, very sexual. Remember that this book is titled Cows when considering the last word of the previous sentence.
The story revolves around the main character Steven who’s living a submissive dreary life under the power of his mother, which he calls the Hagbeast. Their living conditions are abhorrent and the wellbeing of their house pet isn’t any better. The family dog named Dog sputters around with two broken back legs, supposedly caused by a “confrontation” with the Hagbeast in his early years. Steven’s only hope comes in the cheerful images on TV, images he wishes to emulate in his own life someday. He gets a job as a meat grinder at a slaughterhouse where his boss Cripps encourages him to indulge in the cow killings at the front of the facility. Cripps takes sick pleasure in his power over the cows and even engages in sexual acts with them along with the other slaughterhouse employees that work with him. When the Guernsey introduces himself to Steven, the plot thickens. He’s the leader of what I can only describe as a rebellious cow clan. They live in tunnels under the city and plot to take down Cripps.
While his involvement with a cow’s schemes to flay a man would be enough, Steven must deal with a shit-eating competition against the Hagbeast and his sadistic lover upstairs throughout the book. It’s an unholy stew of shit, blood, brains, shredding body parts, and phalluses going into cow flesh. Anything a gross out horror novel could ask for and more. Most will dismiss it as unimaginative gore, while people like me will admire it for its less appreciated qualities. The truth of the matter is I’d agree with YouTuber Plagued by Visions when he described Cows as “a really really funny book”. Cows is a prime example of a book that would be an offensive comedy horror if they ever put it on film. Its concept is so bizarre that I can’t help, but laugh at many of its absurd details.
Though many scenes fill this book, that most would consider comical for how over the top they are, it’s the small moments that pay off. My personal favorites are Steven’s interactions with a female cow that’s called the Roan in the book. Steven becomes so popular after killing Cripps that he has a literal cow groupie that he has sex with. Near the end, the Guernsey and Steven have a rivalry over leadership of the clan. The Guernsey has sex with the Roan and tells Steven that his small human dick feels like nothing but a thumb inside her. It’s one of the strangest emasculating jabs I’ve ever read. In addition to this, this remark genuinely bothered Steven. It’s one of the many things the Guernsey does that leads to Steven wanting to overpower and eventually kill him at the end of the book.
Another humorous element is the actions of the cow clan after the death of Cripps which evolves into a cow militia. When their initial target is nothing but a corpse skinned to the bone by Steven, they become restless and aspire to accomplish more attacks against the humans. This leads to raids in underground areas like subway stations. The cows come running towards any people on site and pulverize them like fleshy water balloons. Despite its violent nature, the thought of a blood thirsty cow army enacting revenge on the meat eating humans is too over the top strange to not be funny.
Cows finishes with Steven coming out victorious over the Guernsey. Shortly before the end, they cast Steven out of the group after losing his power battle with him. By this point, Lucy, Dog, and the Hagbeast are all dead when a hard rain crumbles his flat. Steven loses all hope for a normal life in the human world and goes back to the tunnels to embrace his bovine destiny. He kills the Guernsey and gains status as leader over the cows. Steven exalts in triumph, becoming forever one with them. Yes, this is how the book ends. In a sensible story, the goal of the protagonist is something larger than life, a path of personal growth for every man and woman to aspire to. But Steven appreciates the simple life. All he wants is to share the disdain for humanity with his farm yard acquaintances while making sweet love to his Roan.
Extreme horror may be the most common label readers categorize Cows, but I wouldn’t describe most of it as “scary”. The entire book is certainly gross, unnerving, and disturbing, but the absurd conditions each chapter executes overshadow a lot of those moments. As G. C Mckay described it, this book is very “South Park” in its tone. The story may have been more “scary” if the shock moments were sparse and built up to with grounded scenes rather than an overdrive of gross out in every chapter. While the good writing gives a lot of impact to the gore fest that is Cows, it still has a clear absurdist nature. Cows is not a book for the fainthearted. It is, however, a potential treat for those who are bold enough to laugh at its ridiculousness.
